If Only I Could Tell You by Hannah Beckerman

Author:Hannah Beckerman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2019-08-01T16:00:00+00:00

It was the moment she had been hoping for all these years: her whole family in the same room together. All this time Audrey had been imagining family reunions played out to a soundtrack of tearful apologies and biblical forgiveness. But now, instead of feeling relief or pleasure, she was aware of her breath hiding in her lungs, her fingers curling into tight balls.

Seeing her daughters together was like peeling back the layers of an onion, stripping back the years to when they had been two little girls in the midst of a squabble. Audrey wished she could find the words to make Lily walk toward Jess with open arms, that would allow Jess to accept the embrace. But each time her lips parted, her voice dissolved inside the fear that if she got this moment wrong she might never have a chance to put it right.

Her eyes darted from one daughter to the other—Lily staring at Jess, Jess staring at Mia. It was as though they were figures in a tableau: Jess’s face locked in an expression of horror, Lily’s in a frame of uncertainty.

“I’m sorry I took so long. Saturday evenings are never the best time to visit the ER, but I’ve finally got all your test results.”

A young female doctor swished the curtain closed behind her, scanning the notes in her hand as she entered. She glanced around the cubicle long enough to clock the excessive number of visitors, raised an eyebrow, then appeared to decide that, of all the battles she’d have to fight that night, a few additional visitors weren’t worth her energy.

“OK, Mrs. Siskin. You’ll be pleased to know that your collapse was the result of nothing more sinister than low blood sugar. I know it’s difficult to eat when you’re feeling nauseous, but even just a few mouthfuls—little and often—will help prevent this happening again. I can see from your oncologist’s notes that you’ve refused chemotherapy, and of course that’s entirely your decision. The only thing I would say is that the discovery of the fourth tumor on your lung and the results of your latest blood counts do mean that we’re likely to see an increase in episodes like this. I don’t want to pressure you, and I’m sure you’re being well advised by your oncologist, but given the aggressiveness of your cancer and what’s happened today, you may want to reconsider. Anyway, I’m sure you can discuss all that with your doctor at your next appointment. For now, we’re going to move you up to the ward as soon as we can find you a bed, so we can keep an eye on you overnight. I’ll get the orderlies to come by when there’s a ward ready to take you.”

The doctor waited for Audrey to acknowledge that she’d understood, offered a weary smile, and then left the cubicle, her words lingering behind like an unwelcome party guest refusing to leave.

Fourth tumor on your lung. Latest blood counts. Aggressiveness of your cancer.

Audrey felt the weight of her deception pressing down on her shoulders.

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